Dude!

My back still hurts.

So guess what? I’m going to have a nephew! He HAS a HOT DOG! We went with my sister-in-law to her ultrasound yesterday and the Doc confirmed it! I guess her mother’s intuition was right!

In other news, this morning Kayla has her neurology appointment that we have been waiting for, for months. I’m nervous. I don’t even know why, but I am. I’ve been to like a billion neurology appointments, maybe because it’s with a doctor I’ve never met? I don’t know…

Kayla had a seizure last night during dinner. The freaking dog didn’t do anything. Oh well, I guess I will have to train him (some dogs are “natural” seizure dogs, some have to have some pretty intense training). I think when we see him tomorrow he may add another seizure med on top of the one she has since she is still having breakthrough seizures. I hate seeing her all loopy for the first few days, but I guess I’ll take that over seizures.

I guess the thing that is worrying me is the thing she is seeing him about. Her “ticks.” She’s never seen anyone about them (well except for her pediatrician and her neurology NP but never a specialist). I HOPE HOPE HOPE he says there is something we can do about them. They are starting to really interfere with her life. When she has them, her hands contort and her face scrunches up and her shoulders get really tight. Sometimes she does this arm flapping thing with them. I just hope there is some way to help her.

Well, sorry about the depressing part! On with the Wordless Wednesday part! Last night I let the girls paint pictures. They had a great time. Both of them. Girls, girls, girls.

There, maybe now Ava will stop getting called a boy?

Probably not…

Wordless Wednesday, GO!

I know, I’ve been full of all sorts of nifty sites and tutorials lately. I don’t know why, maybe I can’t think of anything better to write.

Want to hear more about how I threw out my back?

I didn’t think so…

So I will entertain you with this: age progression! Lets see what his cool gadget thinks Kayla will look like as she grows…

Here she is, regular Kayla. I photoshoped out the background and some of her hair (it was in a ponytail) because these things always work better this way. I think I took this picture right after Ava was born, so it’s actually a few months old. Let’s get started…

Kayla as a child. It looks a little funny, but other than the weird shape of her nose and lips, probably not too unrealistic.

Kayla as a teenager. Still, her lips are looking pretty funny.

Kayla as a young adult. That one doesn’t look much different to the teen one, huh? They should have added out-of-control acne to the teen picture.

Kayla as an old lady. SCARY! This very well could be what she looks like someday.

Now let’s fool around with some of the other options…

Kayla as a cute little Asian baby!

Or half African American!

But now for the REALLY freaky part. Well, this probably won’t freak you out as much as it will my family, because they know just how much this next picture resembles me. Just with Kayla’s eyes.

That is apparently what Kayla is going to look like when she is a young adult. I added some hair in Photoshop and fixed the wacky lip thing that age progression software thing gave her. Don’t make fun of me for the hair, that was my first time doing hair in Photoshop…

Wow. She looks an awful lot like me. Freaky. I think this may actually be what Kayla looks like when she gets older.

Okay…

That one is better. See? Second time doing hair in Photoshop and I’m already getting better. Not that much better.

So I bet you are wanting that link now, huh?

Here it is!

Now go see what your little one will look like one day, or even what you’ll look like!

So, you know what’s not a good idea?

Pilates.

Yeah.

So, I was getting really excited by the numbers on the scale. Since we’ve been taking the dog out for walks nightly I’ve been losing so much weight I thought "Hey, what if I worked out really hard for an hour while the kids napped and then took my walk I’d bet I’d lose a ton of weight! Maybe I’ll start off with something light and easy like that Pilates video I’ve owned for forever but never took the wrapper off of. That looks easy enough!"

F*#&% Pilates.

That shit is HARD.

I worked out for an hour and then when I was done I thought it would be a good idea to take the kids out for an hour long walk. Instead of bringing the stroller I brought the baby sling and carried Ava the whole walk. I was feeling really good about the day when I went to bed last night. I worked out for two whole hours!

Well upon waking this morning, I damn near fell on the floor in pain. I pulled something in my back. I guess it could be the combination of the Pilates and carrying Ava on our walk, I don’t know. All I know is I can’t move. It hurts.

This morning I popped three Ibuprofen’s and wished I could lay down with my heating pad. So I was actually rather excited when I checked my answering machine to find a message letting me know that Kayla’s Occupational therapist had called in sick again and our appointment had been canceled. I feel bad that I felt relieved by that, she really does benefit from going every week, but I just didn’t feel like I could do it today.

Oh it hurts.

I’m off to curl up with a heating pad and wish for death.

Teehee.

When I was a child my mother sometimes brought me to her work with her. She worked at a University. I remember watching her answer phones and jot things down. I remember watching her chat with the other women about everyday things. I sat on the floor, doodling on a blank piece of paper, pretending to work too.

I watched her brush the hair out of her face and her pretty green eyes dart back and forth as she read the words on the computer screen, her mouth moving with the words in her head.

I remember wanting to be just like her.

Sometimes when no one was around, I would go into her closet and try on her various dresses and shoes. I remember it always smelled like her perfume in there.

Time went by and I grew into a teenager. I still liked to try on my mother’s clothes and I’d occasionally sneak her make up out and try it on in my room. My mom would always get frustrated by this. Sometimes she’d find her missing make-up in my room.

"You have to ask before you use my stuff, Okay?"

"I was gonna bring it back…"

As I got older, I met a boy. I was still only thirteen years old, but I thought I ruled the world. My mom forbade me from seeing him. He was a bad influence. At the time I thought I hated her. She didn’t understand me, she didn’t know anything.

We fought, we yelled. We had a tough few years. I gave her hell.

Although I eventually married the boy my mother once forbade me to see, I now know everything she did for me was for the best. She always had the best intentions.

When I had my first child she was my rock. She stood by me and took care of me while my whole world fell apart. She deciphered all the "doctor lingo" into something that made sense to me, she was a shoulder I could cry on. She took care of me so that I could have the strength to take care of my baby.

I realized something after becoming a mother; I realized that no matter what I’d done in those terrible teenage years she would always be there for me.

She endured so much from me but never gave up trying. My mother would give everything she has for me, despite the way I treated her. Any less of a mother would have given up on me long ago…

Motherhood isn’t simply from the day you’re born until you become an adult, it continues forever in one big endless cycle. We learn from our parents how to be better people, better parents, better children.

Now more than ever I want to be just like her. 

Thank you for teaching me.

I love you mom.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Oh and Happy Mother’s Day to all the other moms out there!

PS. Tomorrow I will have to show you the awesome Mother’s Day gift my mom gave me last night!

Would you like to participate or find out more about Self Portrait Saturdays? Click here!

Have any of you tried this thing? It’s called My Virtual Model. You can click here for the link. You put in your height and weight and body shape and it will make a virtual model of your body.

Unfortunately, I am NOT that tan. It’s sad that even my virtual model is chubby. But hey, apparently owning a dog and living on the third floor is a good thing because I’ve lost more weight! I’m now down to 172. I went to the doctor last week (for something unrelated) and she was stoked. The last time I saw her was at the end of February and at the time I was weighing in at 187 pounds. That means that in a little over two months I’ve lost 15 pounds!

WOOT!

I see it, a little. Mostly in my tummy and butt. It’s a start at least. I guess you could say that I’m trying to lose weight without trying. I don’t have the money or the time to go to the gym, my kids barely give me enough time to shower so I try to fit in a long walk with the kids and the dog every night now. Blah, blah blahbidy blah…

>Insert excuse here.<

Other good news? Around Christmas time I just hadn’t been feeling well for a while so I checked my blood sugar (diabetes runs in the family) and my fasting blood sugar was 183. I saw the doc about it and I was told I was pre-diabetic. She told me that unless I made a change in my life very soon, I would become diabetic within months.

Through the course of this weight-loss “experiment” my fasting blood sugars have dropped. I’m now getting fasting sugars in the low 90 range and once or twice I even got 70! Looks like I’ll be able to hold this thing off for another few years, yet!

Go check out this virtual model thing, it’s pretty cool!

And don’t give me any crap about those up there not being actual self portraits. I make the rules and rules were meant to be broken. So in theory, I can break my own non-rules that I made that aren’t really meant to be rules but more like guidelines…err, uh. Something.

So there.

Wanna lose 20 pounds almost instantly?

Okay, I’m gonna show off some of my Photoshop skills again right now. I just found this feature last night and it’s so awesome.

I got this picture off the landsend website in the plus size swimsuit section. It’s a super cute swimsuit (I so want it) and I think the model was beautiful to begin with, but for the purpose of this tutorial I’m going to make her a little thinner.

Cute suit, huh? I wish I had $108 to blow on a swimsuit, I would so buy it!

Anyway, So how are we going to make her a little skinnier you might ask?

You’re going to need to open the photo in Photoshop and go to >Filter >Liquify.  Along the left side, you will see a set of tools. You are going to use the Forward Warp Tool (first one at the top) and adjust the brush size on the right. Use the brush to push in her sides a little to give her more defined curves. It helps to use a picture with a solid background or one with not a lot going on because these tools tend to warp the background a little and it can be distracting from the picture.

Next you are going to use the Pucker Tool (it’s the fourth one down on the left). Adjust the brush size again on the right to the size appropriate for the picture. Now essentially, what you are going to do is "shrink" her problem areas (her arms, waist, hips) your just going to have to use your judgement on just how much you shrink. If you mess up try going over the picture with the Reconstruct Tool (second from the top) until it’s fixed. Then simply click OK on the right and touch up anything else you want with the Healing Brush Tool (fourth one down, looks like a band-aid). That’s it!

Save, done!

Now I probably could have done a better job with this photo, I only spent a few minutes on it but it gives you an idea of what you can do.

Also the Bloat Tool (fifth brush down under liquify) is useful if you want to, um, enhance  the breast area. Let’s try it on a picture I found of Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay certainly doesn’t need any bigger of boobs than she has. But you get the idea.

Wow. See? She really doesn’t need knockers that size.

I hope some of you found this useful!

Perhaps some of you have noticed (I don’t know, maybe it’s more noticeable to me) that lately my posts have been lagging, my commenting and reading of your blogs has almost failed to exist.

It’s started again. The depression.

I’ve started to notice it the past few days. I don’t know why I feel the need to hide it. I guess it’s not something people really want to read about. It’s not really all that funny and I find it hard to write witty posts like Dooce about dealing with it.

With Bipolar disorder, I’ve battled this part of it my whole life. Sometimes I feel fine for long periods of time (Sometimes I feel great!) and then out of nowhere it hits. I can’t really ever find a reason for it and when I do talk about it people always ask me the same question, "Why?" Well, I can’t always come up with reasons. I suppose I could tell you that I’m worried about my grandfather who’s having heart surgery soon, or that everything with Kayla seems to be piling up on me, or that the stress of having the new dog is getting to me. All of that is true, but I don’t think that’s it.

I think that this is just…me.

I can always tell when it’s coming, I start to lose interest in things I always find so appealing (photography, blogging, SHOWERING…), after that I just get tired ALL the time. It seems like no matter how much sleep I get at night I feel exhausted. The housework starts to lag, the dishes pile up and toys line the hallways for days. Then it seems as though every muscle in my body begins to ache. I can’t do this or that because my back hurts, I must have slept wrong, I have a headache.

I still always find a way to care for the kids, they always come first, but I must admit that I feel pushed to my limit a lot of days and I feel terrible for the little things that they miss out on when I feel like this. It’s harder for me to laugh. I know they don’t have as much fun. Meals tend to suffer on these days as well. On days when I would normally make pancakes, eggs and sausage; cereal becomes the main course instead.

I suppose there are people that have it worse than me when the depression hits, I’m still able to function. Sometimes those people close to me (including my husband) are none the wiser.

Why is it that people feel the need to be so secretive about these things? I never asked to have Bipolar disorder. I doubt if anyone else has either. So what’s the big deal? Why should I worry that there are people out there questioning whether or not I’m fit enough to take care of my children? So many people deal with these things, probably more than you or I even realize. It’s just that no one talks about it.

I’ll be feeling better soon. I hope you’ll forgive me if I seem a little down or forget to comment on your blog. I’ll try to catch up soon…

These pictures were actually from a few days ago…I thought for sure I had put them up but I must have gotten distracted in the middle (you know how I roll) and forgot. So here they are now!

I took a couple of pictures last night of Kayla with Bubbles. Neither one wanted to hold still for the camera. Part way through Kayla told me she was tired, even though we hadn’t eaten dinner yet. I guess posing for pictures can be quite tiresome!

I got a couple of cute one’s of Ava in her crib as well!

I have a confession to make though. Obviously the ones of Kayla are photoshoped (I added a sepia photo filter) but the one’s of Ava are photoshoped as well. I had to take something out because I feel so bad for her!

See? She’s scarface! Bubbles didn’t like his first car ride with the kids apparently. He hopped right into Ava’s car seat and got her on the face with one of his nails. It’s a little infected so I’ve been putting some neosporin on it and washing it often. It’s actually looking a lot better today.

Sorry this post is so short but I have been sick these past few days (again). Shortly after I kicked my cold it came right back again. Now I’m worried I have bronchitis or something.

Yuck.

I got this from Children’s hospital today regarding her Speech and Language Evaluation (I was already pretty much told this by the lady that evaluated her and she starts Speech therapy next month twice a week but in writing I guess it looks even worse than it sounded);

Kayla, a 2-year  11-month old female, was seen for a speech and language evaluation to address concerns expressed by her parents regarding her language development. Kayla was accompanied to the evaluation by her mother, father, and baby sister. Both parents shared information about her development and reported on the developmental questionnaire.

Pregnancy history is significant for shingles outbreak that was treated with Rx medication. Birth history is significant for breathing, feeding difficulties, and severe bruising of Kayla’s head. Medical history is significant for seizures at birth resulting in MRI that indicated perinatal strokes. Seizures have continued. Family is working with Dr. XXXXX and Dr. XXXXX to manage her seizures. Kayla is currently taking Keppra. Parents reported that since on Keppra, although breakthrough seizures are still occurring, an improvement in her language sills has been noted. Kayla is also receiving occupational therapy once a week for 60 minutes at XXXXX to address her self-help skills and visual processing. Kayla’s hearing was tested at birth and then again at 12 months of age. Results indicate normal hearing. A full and updated audiological evaluation has been recommended. There is a history of ear infections.

Kayla lives at home with her family. English is the primary language spoken in the home. It is yet to be determined whether or not Kayla will be attending preschool when she turns 3 years old.

PRESENT FUNCTIONAL STATUS:

Kayla presented as a happy and social girl who enjoyed playing with the toys in the room. She displayed good eye contact, referencing, and joint attention. She played appropriately with the toys  and participated in reciprocal play using single- to two- word phrases to request, label, and comment. During more formalized and structured testing procedures Kayla was observed to have a very difficult time sitting in a chair and attending to pictures in a book. She was unable to follow directions and identify pictures when asked. In addition, she had a difficult time identifying objects in play and following through with what the examiner had requested.

CLINICAL FINDINGS:

Kayla participated in the PLS-4 auditory comprehension and expressive communication subtests. On the auditory comprehension subtest, Kayla earned a raw score of 21 and a standard score of 57 placing her in the 1st percentile rank for her age and an age equivalent of 1 year 5-months. This score reveals Kayla to have receptive skills that are severely delayed when compared to other children her age. Kayla demonstrated the understanding of verbs in the context of play. She understood inhibitory words and followed routine directions such as “throw the ball” and “give me the ______.” Kayla had a more difficult time identifying familiar objects from a group. She was unable to identify objects in pictures and had a difficult time pointing at body parts and clothing items on herself or a doll. In addition, Kayla did not understand the use of objects, simple descriptive concepts, or follow two-step related directions. These are all tasks that a 2 year 11 month old should be doing.

On the expressive language subtest of the PLS-4, Kayla earned a raw score of 28 and a standard score of 74, placing her in the 4th percentile rank for her age and an age equivalence of 1 year 11 months. This score reveals Kayla to have expressive skills that are moderately delayed when compared to other children her age. Kayla was reported to use more words than gestures to communicate. She was observed to use single words to request objects, label, indicate more (i.e. “again”), and answer questions with a yes or no. She was noted to ask questions and name objects in photographs. Kayla had a more difficult time combining 3-4 words in spontaneous speech. She was not able to answer what and where questions and was not observed to use age-appropriate grammatical marker such as plurals and progressive  -ing.

DIAGNOSTIC IMPRESSIONS:

Kayla presents with severe impairment in her receptive language skills and moderate impairment in her expressive language skills.

God I hope the speech therapy can help. I’m starting to get so nervous about her going to school. I know she is only 3, but she should be in preschool and at the rate we are going I don’t know if she’ll even be able to attend regular kindergarten.

You know, when we first got hit with all of this when she was first born, we didn’t have time to stop and think of all these things. Now that they are coming up I feel angry.

Why her?

Why can’t she just live a normal life?

OH. DEAR. GOD. The dog just farted and it smells TERRIBLE. Man, here I am, deep in thought, trying to make a point and you decide to come sit at my feet and rip ass? What’s wrong with you, WHAT ARE THOSE PEOPLE FEEDING YOU??

Okay, sorry for the dog fart interruption. As I was saying, it kills me to know that she may never drive a car because of the seizures. I hate that she may have to go to a special school, or attend special classes. I hate that she could go into SE any minute and we have to live in constant fear. I just hate everything new each new month brings. You’d think that every month she should get better right? No, every month she gets some new test and some new ‘medical professional’ tells me now something else is wrong. It just keeps piling up…

To me, she’s brilliant. She is the smartest, prettiest, and funniest little three year old out there. She has the energy of 1,000 kids and she lights up ANY room she’s in. She’s my angel. She’s perfect. I’m glad that there are so many people out there who want to help her, but at the same time, I’m tired of them telling me what’s wrong with her.

I kind of just don’t want to hear it anymore. Just tell me how we can help. Forget that whole your 3 year old is the age equivalent of a 1 year 5 month old crap. Just forget it.

PS.

…It STILL stinks in here.

Would you like to participate or find out more about Self Portrait Saturdays? Click here!

This is a pic I took of me and the hubbs. Yes, my hubbs wears hats with skulls on them. He thinks he is a pirate. Don’t ask.

At least I didn’t post the one I took right after that where it looks like someone smacked me in the face.

Because that could be embarrassing.

Oh wait,I just did…

Dang.

I hope all of you didn’t forget to participate this Saturday!

I also wrote a post below this that tells you all a little bit more about the new puppy, in case you missed it!

Now, I’m off to take the puppy to the vet and then get ready for my birthday party! See ya!

I have left most of you hanging, I know. I originally intended to post this morning about the dog and reasons we decided to get it, etc, but I haven’t had a moment to really sit down all day. Really. I’m so sorry I haven’t even been able to read anyone’s blog either!

Having a puppy in the house is really much like having a third child. Only this one skipped the nine month incubation period and went straight to pooping on the floor and toddling around finding small objects to put in it’s mouth. So why on earth would I subject myself to such torture when I already have an eight month old and a special needs toddler?

My mom smoked crack while she was pregnant with me.

…It came out the year I was born, ya know…

No, the dog is actually for Kayla. Sometime in the next year I’m hoping for it to be a service dog for her. More specifically, I am hoping for it to be a seizure alert and response dog for her. A lot of people haven’t heard of these dogs but they do a huge service to families with children who have epilepsy. The dogs are trained to alert a family member if the child is having a seizure, stay with the child during the seizure and carry the child’s health information in a pouch on their back. Some dogs are even able to “sense” the seizure up to an hour before it happens. Crazy, huh?

A lot of seizure dog organizations don’t supply these dogs to children under five because they feel that “children under that age should be supervised at all times, deeming the service dog fairly unnecessary.” This, I feel is pretty much a crock of shit. Yes, my daughter is supervised at all times by me, except of course when she is sleeping!

Now lets think of this rationally; I could save myself the trouble and move her into my room. That way I could stay up all night staring at her whilst she sleeps to make sure she is okay…right?

Wait, I forgot about that whole needing sleep to survive! Thus where the seizure dog comes in.

Kayla not only has epilepsy, she has been known to go into Status Epilepticus. It’s when her brain gets “stuck” in a seizure and it doesn’t end without medical intervention. It is fatal if not treated. In August she was hospitalized for Status Epilepticus and almost died. She was seizing for nearly five hours despite paramedics arriving on scene within ten minutes. Even the meds were given to stop the seizures they didn’t stop and her body got so tired and her lungs began to shut down from the large quantity of different seizure meds.

Her seizures are silent and nearly motionless. There would be no way of me knowing about them while we were sleeping unless something else was there to watch out for her.

So maybe this dog is more for me, it will help me, give me piece of mind. Maybe even a more restful nights sleep.

Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that the dog will be able to “sense” these seizures. It really depends on the dog. Some can sense them, some can’t, but either way we WILL be able to train him to alert us once the seizure has started. Even that will be great.

Kayla hasn’t had a seizure since Tuesday while we were at the pool (before we got the dog) so I won’t know if he’ll be able to sense the seizure until she has another one. He is very attached to her, however, an seems to want to watch over her all the time.

First thing is first though, we have to potty-train the little guy and then give him some obedience training. After that we will focus on the seizure alert and response. I have a feeling it is going to be a tremendous amount of work and that it will take at least a year. But I’m in it for the long haul. Plus he is very eager to learn already. Just today I taught him to heel so I am very hopeful that he will not fight the training.

So let me tell you a little bit more about him!

He is a little over 7 months old and his name is ‘Bubbles.’ I did not have any part in his naming, Kayla thought of it all on her own and we decided she could call him whatever she wanted. Plus it’s easy for her to say. Now that I’ve been calling him it all day, he is responding to it and will even come when I call it. It’s kind of growing on me! He is about the size of a cocker-spaniel. He looks as big as a Chihuahua in those pictures, but he is actually a medium sized dog. He is a Cairn Terrier and Cockapoo mix and has very soft fur. He is still very much a puppy, but he is a fast learner and very obedient but he has never been trained at all. He has been living at a pet adoption shop for most of his life. He doesn’t understand stairs yet (and is very frightened by them) but he’s gonna have to figure it out pretty damn fast seeing as how we live on the third floor. Kayla LOVES him. Ava HATES him (he licks her face too much and it PISSES HER OFF).

Hopefully by this time next year he will be “Bubbles the service dog” and he will complete our little family.

Now if I could only teach him not to bark when I’m trying to sleep we’d be set.

ifihijjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjddddddddfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff……………

Oops, sorry. I fell asleep on he keyboard.

Wanna see it?

It’s cute…

…and cuddly…

…..

Told ya!

I just got done with watching the movie Juno with the hubbs. I really liked it! Wednesday and Saturday nights are the hubby’s nights off so this is kind of like my weekend. So what if I’m up at 2 in the morning?

Man, am I going to be paying for this come morning!

Wordless Wednesday below! 

Any of you Wordless Wednesday-ers here visiting my site, I’ve got a new meme for you! It’s called Self portrait Saturdays!

Guidelines to Self Portrait Saturdays:

♥Copy the logo code in the COLOR of your choice and post at the top of your Self Portrait Saturday.

♥Include at least one picture of yourself, any part of yourself but it has to be of you. Hence the title, Self Portrait! (Your hand, face, toe…etc) You may include as many pictures as you want!

♥You may edit your photo (Photoshop, Picasa, GIMP) un-touched photos welcome too!

♥Try to visit as many other people participating in Saturday Self Portraits as possible and leave comments!

♥You can always include just a regular self portrait!

♥Make your post “wordless” OR write along with you pictures, it’s completely up to you!

♥Have fun with it!

Click HERE for the Saturday Self Portrait page!

I hope you’ll join in this Saturday!

Would you like to participate or find out more about Self Portrait Saturdays? Click here!